Hard Talks
Gold + Grain Photography
Sometimes kids bring up topics that you aren’t quite prepared for. Like last night at dinner when we asked our son how his first day back at school since Christmas break went. Now, I had picked him up and I already knew “it was so good” per his words when we got in the car. I also knew from his teacher that he had been giving lots of hugs out because he was so excited to see everyone again. So, when we were at the dinner table and my husband asked him how school was…I thought those would be the same things that would be repeated. Which is why what he started talking about caught me completely off guard! He told us they had a birthday party for one of the children in class (this is when he used the child’s name and had I remembered the email I received from the school over the holidays, I might have known where this was going, but I was finishing getting plates on the table and distracted). Children are interesting sometimes because they can give such concrete statements in a very matter of fact way. Not realizing what they just said was loaded with a whole lot more! We really complicate things as adults sometimes, don’t we? He tells us about the birthday party and then says, “their mother got a bad cold and died.” I then asked again what the child’s name was and when he told me, I remembered the email informing us about the child’s mother passing away. He had so much empathy in his little voice when he told us that one powerful sentence. And since we were just talking about a birthday party, I had to take a second to compose myself. Fighting back tears thinking about that sweet baby losing their mother over Christmas and then to learn their birthday was so close to Christmas, heartbreaking. It was a lot to process over a plate of leftovers. Then he said, “I think we need to get them another mommy because it would be sad not to have one.” Such a big heart for such a little person. Such big topics to try to discuss with a three-year-old.
How do you explain something so devastating and overwhelming without worrying them about the possibility of losing a parent sooner than later? I don’t know if we handled it correctly, but we did the best we could on the spot. We asked how the classmate was and if they seemed sad. How his classmate is going through something tough, and he should remember to treat them with kindness. We haven’t touched the subject of death with our children yet—we weren’t prepared. The conversation didn’t last long; however, it has been on my heart long after. The next day we were playing together, and my son said the classmates name and that they still have a daddy at home so that’s good, but he still wishes he could get their mommy to come back, so they aren’t sad. Such heavy, heavy thoughts for my 3.5-year-old! This is what I said in response. I don’t know if there is a right or wrong way to handle this conversation, but in the moment, this is what seemed right. I told him that his classmate’s mommy is in heaven with Jesus now and that it’s okay because some day when your friend is much older, they will see their mommy in heaven again when they go meet Jesus. That they had lots of wonderful memories together that she can think about. Then I hugged him and had to excuse myself. I bawled. I cried without knowing this little person or their mom. It isn’t fair that they only got three years together and I hope with my whole heart that this beautiful child is okay and is surrounded by love during this difficult time. I hope there are little signs as they grow to remind them of the special bond between a mother and child and that their mom is always with them.
The thing is, we don’t know how much time we have with the ones we love. We hope we get to go quietly and peacefully in the night, in old age after our children are grown (at least I think that would be nice), but there is no guarantee. So, I’ll keep making cakes with my babies, keep reading stories, keep playing doctor, board games, baby dolls and dinosaurs…I’ll keep making memories with them in hopes that someday when I am gone and they must navigate through this world without me, they will know I am always there.
We haven’t had to handle a grief conversation about someone in our family passing, but if/when we do, I think these books look like amazing companions to hard conversations.
The Invisible String - Children's Book
The Memory Box - Children's Book
A Little Box of Feelings Book Set and Plush Toys
I don’t want to start your weekend out on such somber notes, so I have linked some of my favorite #momlife items below.
Have you had to have difficult conversations centered around grief with any of your children or students? If so, how did you approach it? What advice might you have for myself or anyone reading this?
I hope you have a wonderful weekend and as always, happy reading!
